The start...

Finding Myself...

Are you wondering what that means? I'll let you in on a little secret... I'm adopted.

Let me tell you a bit about my family and maybe you'll get why this is a secret of sorts. My wonderful mother, Mommy, married my wonderful father, Daddy, in the late 70's. They had both been married before. Mommy was married to an artist, Don. Don claimed he was going to make it big one day. I think the only thing big about him was his Farrah Hair-Do, his Tom Selleck bushy moustache and his nose. Seriously in their wedding pictures, which are sooo rare, he looks like he's going to fly away... I am going to see if I can find one! So after a few years she finally got wise and realized he was never going to change and never going to do anything so they got divorced... meanwhile on the other side of LA... Daddy was married to his high school sweetheart, Connie. I think I should mention that they graduated in 1954, so by the late 70's it had been a long while. They had 4 kids between them. A boy, A girl, and then 2 more boys. Connie has always been a part of our lives, they were lucky as they weren't and still aren't always trying to kill each other with looks at family functions. Actually they all get along!

After Mommy's divorce and she a few of her closest friends went down to Mexico to relax. While there she met this tall, dark and Hispanic man who was trying to sell her a blanket. She politely refused many times however she finally bought the blanket. And that is how they met, we still have the blanket. They dated for only a few months and married shortly after in Rosarito Beach, Mexico. They honeymooned in Hawaii... they have the cutest pictures of them, they were so young... well at least my mom was. ;) Neither of my parents look anything like their ages, which is funny at times.

When they returned home they tried for a baby, only to find out that my mother could not have children. My mother was crushed, she always knew that she was going to be a wonderful mother and would love a child with all her heart.

My Aunt D worked as a hairstylist in the OC and knew about my parents struggle. In talk with her client one day she learned that her clients niece was pregnant and was looking to place her child up for adoption. The story goes that Tarin (that's my birth mother's name) was working at a Ski resort in Lake Tahoe and she met Will (that's my birth father's name). They fell in love and conceived me! :) Well once they came back to reality they both realized that they didn't want to get married simply because they had a child. Which makes sense... think about all those people out there who get married because they have a child and how it can turn out. So Tarin decided it was best to give the child up for adoption.

Well my Aunt D contacted my parents and let them know of Tarin and her situation. After months of letters between the adoption lawyer, agencies, and letters of recommendation from all their friends they were finally approved. :) WooHoo!!!

So skip forward a few months.... I don't really know what happened cause I was still kinda in her tummy....

My mom got a call that I was about to be born. She had come up with this silly code with my dad that who ever found out first would call the other one and say either "Erin is doing fine" or "Kyle is doing fine". They still didn't know which plumbing I was going to have. ;) So my mom is trying her best to concentrate on work and the task at hand when she gets THE call... "Erin is doing fine" my father told her. She was elated and rushed out of there and to the Hospital to see me.

They got to hold me a short while after I was born. My mom said it was love at first sight. :)

There were complications with finalizing my adoption. My birth father didn't want to give me up, he held on to the hope that they would get back together eventually and would want me. So his father wanted to take me away to Hawaii and raise me until they got back together and wanted me again... My parents finalized the adoption and I was theirs!

Jump forward about 10 years...

We're living in Memphis and my best friends at the time were our neighbors that lives across the street Kristen and Colleen. Somehow Kristen had over heard our parents talking about my adoption and was trying to make me mad by telling me that I was not their daughter and so on. You know how mean kids can be... So I went inside and asked my mommy what it all meant. She made me wait til my father got home to talk about it. Just so you know I am not a patient kid... it killed me. But when he got home they explained it all to me and told me when the day came they would be there for me and they would help me find her.

Jump forward 8 more years...

On my eighteenth birthday they gave me this huge binder that had everything about my adoption in it. All the paperwork Tarin and Will had filled out. All the letters my parents friends wrote about what good parents they would make and about how I was going to go to a loving home. It was one of the best things I've ever gotten.

Jump forward another 10 years...

I am a part of the MTV generation... anything they put on I'll try and watch. So I got hooked on their new show 16 and Pregnant. I watched every week and loved seeing what it was like to be a mother. Chris (my boyfriend and love of my life) and I would watch it and wonder how it was going to be for us. Finally they started showing previews for the finale... Where a 16 year old mother gives up her baby girl for adoption. Kinda almost hits too close to home. My mother was 18 just so you know. ;) So we record the show and it sits in our DVR for about 2 weeks...

Finally I decide I can do this I am going to watch it. So we take our usual places on the couch and flip it on. I make it through a few minutes until the adoption agent asks if the mother would like a "hello goodbye" moment. I break down and start sobbing. It hits me all at once... the questions come flying in... "Did my mother have one of those... if not why?.... Does she think about me?.... Is my birthday a special day for her?.... does she still love me?.... would she be proud of me today?" Poor Chris... he's sitting there holding me as a I cry like a baby. Guys are not trained in this kinda stuff... but I'll give him lots of points.

Monday the 20th was kinda a low day for me. After watching the episode it really makes me think about things and the answers that I want. All day I pondered the same questions, near the end of the work day I get into a discussion with Marlinda (my BFF), Kim (an Employee) and Chris about it. It was interesting to hear how the episode was viewed from the other side. The question was brought up about how would I feel if Tarin got pregnant the next year and kept the baby. Would I be mad? And the answer was no. I know that what she did for me was what she thought was right and i love how my life has turned out. I was raised by the most loving family and I have the best friends around me. I love my friends but they don't understand.

So Tuesday the 21st, I decide to do something about this nagging I've been feeling. So I Google Adoption. There are so many results! I click on Adoption.com... interesting website. It tells me that the fastest way to get things started is post that I am looking for her on their free website. So I do. I don't post anything to personal, I know alot about her family but I don't know how this will help. So I post my birthday, the city I was born in, Her full name and that's it.

Wednesday the 22nd... I get some junk mail about "helping me look for only $300"... not interested in that. I go about my work day not thinking about it. I am looking at my emails on my Blueberry at about 9pm and notice an email from an address I don't know. RN4Babies... so I open it....